I like conversations. I like the conversations I have with other people, and I love eavesdropping on dysfunctional conversations around me that are absolutely none of my beeswax.
I think I just like wondering about how these people got to where they are right now, and I enjoy filling in the gaps of the story I don't have, and then deciding which side I'd be on if I were a referee in those people's Dysfunctional Life contest. And I feel perfectly okay doing this, because these people are having their dysfunctional conversations in public locations, and they are having them in REALLY LOUD VOICES EVERYONE AROUND THEM CAN HEAR.
(I would like note: I am perfectly okay with other people judging my dysfunctional public conversations as well. {I have exactly 5 of these per year.})
CONVERSATION #1: Filling in the Gaps of Family Feud Dilemmas.
As I type this, I am drinking an iced tea at a McDonald's, and I'm listening to the man in the booth behind me talk on his cellphone. He's very upset, and this is the one-sided conversation I'm currently unable to ignore because it's being conducted IN A REALLY LOUD VOICE EVERYONE WITHIN 40 FEET OF IT CAN HEAR:
**********************************************
MAN: I think that boy is losing his mind. He's mistaking me for someone who actually gives a damn about him.
Well, he needs to check himself into a mental hospital.
Wait! Who was that girl? The one that spit in your mom's face? Yeah, she needs to (long string of expletives).
(here, I want to cover the ears of the 2 small children standing by their mom right now at the drink machine across from this man's booth)(no! wait! i think they only speak Spanish, so they might be okay. phew!)
Oh yeah. He definitely needs his ass beat more than her.
No. I like my mom a lot better when she's drunk, she kind of gets back into her old self.
No way! I'd be right there at the alter with a...a...MATCH. Woosh! Yeah I know. Because the other day she told me she wants to make her status: "I'm so glad my husband doesn't play video games all damn day." Yeah, you should go check out her crazy statuses.
No. He deleted his facebook because he got tired of her putting the family drama online for everyone to see.
(here, I feel really guilty because of course I'm putting his family drama on my blog.) But then he says THIS little nugget:
That's why I'm filling out an application to work here.
*****************************************************
Filling in the gaps:
From what I can tell, there are many mentally unbalanced people this man knows but two of them are extremely pissing him off right now.He's an artist in the use of the expletives, and doesn't look around to make sure youngsters aren't in the area before unleashing his art. He prefers his mom drunk and there appears to be someone in his family who enjoys having dysfunctional family feuds on facebook. And also, (possibly) he'd like to work at McDonald's because of all of this.
I'm not sure who's side to take, because I think there are may be about 30 people involved in this Dysfunction Family Feud and that's making my brain hurt. And also, I think I'd need to see the drunk mom in action first and also hear from the girl who spit in the mom's face before taking sides.
Also, I hope he gets a job here and tells that girl to stop spitting in moms' faces.
CONVERSATION #2: Cat Gut Talk.
I need to make a vet appointment for my cat. She's quite old (15 or 16), she's lost a lot of weight, and she's been throwing up--no place in my house is safe, or sacred, from the contents of Tasha's cat gut. I suspect feline renal failure, and so I've kind of been putting a vet visit off for awhile. First because of our money situation while C was still job hunting, and now...I just don't want to know? I guess? But I should know. I should know so I can feel better if that's not what's going on...or so I can make some hard decisions.
C once told me he thinks there should be a limit on how much an animal's life is worth. For a cat, he figures about $500. (I've since come to believe he falls just as much in love with animals as me, and just says these things to freak me out so I'll have public dysfunctional conversations with him.) (for the record, C grew up with dogs, reptiles, birds, fish, and--confirmed by his mother--a pony.)
Recently, while riding around town discussing Tasha's situation, we had this conversation:
ME: I really need to get Tasha to a vet. But I don't want to.
C: Why not?
ME: Because I think I'm afraid to know. I know I need to know, but I don't think I want to know.
C: You should find out.
ME: I should find out.
C: But if they say anything crazy, like she needs major surgery to have a kidney removed or something, I don't think you should do that.
ME: No, no. If it's that bad, I guess I just want an idea of how much longer she has to live a comfortable life, and then we'll have to start saying good-byes.
C: I agree. Because you know. I'm not big on kidney removal.
CONVERSATION #3: Don't Pick Me for Your Apocalypse Team.
A couple of weeks ago, we had a crazy night. Melissa had a nasty case of diaper rash and kept pooping diahrrea everywhere but then wouldn't let us change her because she knew it would hurt which was just making her skin even more raw, a nasty tropical depression decided to move through our area knocking out power for 8 hours, and, due to bizarre circumstances involving one family dinner out followed by a lack of house keys, we were locked out of our house for 3 hours until C was able to break in.
Then, the following day, I drove him to the airport for his annual fishing trip and we were besieged with roads closed due to flooding and big traffic jams but not offered any alternate routes to the airport and just had to follow drivers in front of us hoping they, too, needed to catch a plane, and I had exactly 30 minutes to drop him off and then get to work which was 60 minutes away.
I do not do well under these types of stressful situations. My innards twist into knots and my brain feels like it will explode. This makes me snappy and when I get snappy, I alienate everyone around me.
In other words, I am the last (the very last) person you want on your team during an Apocalypse (but I'm the first person you want on the other team during an episode of SURVIVOR: CANNIBAL ISLAND).
This was our airport ride conversation:
C: Would you calm down? There’s nothing anyone can do about this right now, so just stop.
ME: Look, it’s just…it’s just I can’t help it. I would be terrible in an Apocalypse. I’m so sorry you got me as your Apocalypse side kick, honey.
C: Huh??
ME: You know how I am. Look at how I'm acting right now. I just don’t do well in these kinds of situations. I get tense, and when I’m tense you know I get really snappy, and when I get snappy I just lose my mind and alienate everyone around me. I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind in the Apocalypse and get ejected from the group of surviving humans.
C: Look, can you be weird AFTER I get on the plane?
ME: Remember last night? When the storms came through and our electricity went out and I forgot to bring a house key with us and we couldn’t get in the house and Melissa had the poop in her diaper with the diaper rash and she wouldn’t let me change her diaper and I was tense because I knew the poop was eating into her already rashy skin? And remember how I was so snappy with everyone?
I swear to God, last night I was THISCLOSE to losing my mind last night. I bet I’d be a trillion times worse during an Apocalypse. Nobody wants that.
C: Stop that. You wouldn’t lose your mind.
ME: Yes I would. Because when we were all in bed and the power was still out, I was just lying there, and my mind was racing, thinking and thinking. Like I could hear every! single! sound! and that was so weird and kind of making me nuts, and what if they never got the power back on? How would I get ready for work tomorrow? What if the power NEVER CAME BACK ON?? And also, all our food in the refrigerator was going bad, and who would I call if nobody ever got the power back on? And you were gone on your fishing trip? Who would I call to fix that? It was going to be 95 degrees today, and what if we burned up in that? Because nobody got on our power back on and we had no a/c? And I simply do NOT have time to deal with that kind of crazy anyway, why do people think I even have that kind of time for that kind of crazy?
I didn’t even go to sleep until the power came back on and my whole world was back to normal. If there was an Apocalypse, I would totally not even know what to do without power. Being without electricity would be the first thing to send me over the edge. Don't you think that's a bad personality trait to have in an Apocalypse?
C: Amy, what do you think people in the 1800’s did? They were fine without electricity. You’d just go back to living with 1800’s technology and you’d be fine.
ME: No. No, I don’t think I would. I would miss the internet too much. And HBO. And microwaves. And cell phones for road emergencies. I would have made a terrible 1800’s person.
C: Come on! You wouldn’t have even known any better. You’d just be like, “Wow, I’m so glad we got the 6 hour candles. The Smiths down the street only have the 2 hour candles.”
ME: Do you promise we’ll get the 6 hour Apocalypse candles? Do you PROMISE? Like, where do you even get 6 hour candles for an Apocalypse?
C: I’m sure Home Depot or Lowe’s has some. And you know me. Do you think *I* would buy just 2 hour candles?
ME: Okay, thanks. I feel better. But I'm still pretty sure I’d lose my mind in an Apocalypse.
C: *sigh*
No comments:
Post a Comment